Hey. I'm mostly disappeared from lj so if you miss me, check out the group blog I'm writing for: airtheremin.wordpress.com

I'm blogging under the pen name Gretchen Chapman-Collins. We have some other neat writers as well: Ari Collins (General Blogginess, ridiculously short fiction), Gryfft (Fiction, general blogginess), and deathbychiasmus (webcomics, general blogginess but with webcomics). More people coming, too.

You are getting very sleepy...you want to read the blog...

I have a new userpic. It was given to me by God.

Seriously, my nose is all runny. Everyone must share may pain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akf-H0OVpLA&mode=related&search=

So two weeks ago I got a bad cold. It lasted almost a week, but the following Monday I woke up and I was better...until that weekend when I came down with...another cold!

And I still have to go to school.

So a minute ago, I heard our upstairs neighbors come running down the stairs as someone said "I call shot gun!" And I thought to myself, "It's nine o'clock at night, and they're going out?" Admittedly I'm sick, so that affects how I feel about going out ever, at all, but still.

I'm a sad old lady:(

I just don't *do* anything.

How do I start?

there is nothing anywhere

So I'm doing really well. I'm content most of the time, in a "I might not always be happy but at least when I'm not it doesn't seem to be chemical" way. I went to an ear, nose, and throat specialist (I'd like to mention once again that I got a camera up my nose) and he said my problem might still be lingering mono from last spring. He gave me a prescription that's supposed to get rid of it, and although I'm not precisely doing cartwheels in the streets, I have more energy and my lymph nodes don't hurt when you poke them. (I'm sure everyone needed to know about that last bit.)

I'm finally getting work done, and might actually finish it all by the end of the semester.

But that doesn't stop me from whining.

The thing is, forget anxiety and fatigue and my continuing inability to mentally concieve of the apartment ever getting clean, I just don't want to do any more work. Stupid final-project-weighted courses, I've spent the whole semester like, whee, I have time to play the Sims, whee, I'm getting a chest x-ray, whee, I have exactly fourteen new pairs of socks. Now that it comes down to doing the actual work, I have no willpower built up, and I just don't wanna. Sims time or not, I've had a rough semester, and I just want it to be over right now without trying to analyze four movements of Kodaly in two days when no matter what I do I have absolutely no idea what's going on tonally...

Done is better than good.

Done is better than good...

I got a camera up my nose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So here's the thing. I'm not getting any work done, because I sleep through the morning, go to class, and I when I come home I'm too tired to do anything but watch Colin play video games. I don't even play them myself; I have to make Colin do it.

I can't tell if there's something wrong or I'm just lazy.

My anxiety has been a little out of control all semester, and meanwhile I have swollen lymph nodes and no one knows why. All we've established so far is that I don't have cancer. At least that's a plus. I've seen three doctors, a psychiatrist, and I'm doing therapy at counseling services; you'd think some of this would have been sorted out. I need to go see and ear, nose and throat specialist, but just the idea of looking up the bus routes, calling, making an appointment, getting there...is exhausting.

I feel like I'm very quietly at the end of my rope. Today I was going to get up at 7:30, then 8, then 9, and I got up at ten. Every day I don't get anything done I say "It's okay, I'll wake up early and be really productive tomorrow." My anxiety has been more under control since I've been on more Lexapro, but that makes me drowsy, which is another thing to sort out from the fatigue.

I just want to know why I'm tired all the time. I looked up chronic fatigue syndrome, and it's diagnosed by a 50% reduction in activity over six months or more. If I have maybe a 30% reduction in activity over three months, can I get a consolation prize?

I think I tire myself out worrying that I'm not really tired, I'm just lazy. I just want someone to tell me what's wrong so I can sleep for a month.